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Lust or Love? How You Can Tell
Ah, the eternal questions asked by those who
are pumping with emotions too numerous to name - and maybe even a few that
can't be expanded upon in polite company. "Is this it? Have I gone and fallen
in love? It feels like love, but then again it felt like this with Marcy,
too, and that only lasted a few days. Oh hell, just how is a person supposed
to know the difference? Hey! Who's that over there talking to Larry? She's
a hottie. I might just have to go over and say Hi."
Well, maybe your internal dialogue isn't exactly
like this, but I'm sure you have had similar conversations with yourself
countless times, maybe even every time you meet that new special someone.
More often, than not, though, our rosy feelings of anticipated love are replaced
with disgust and anger - disgust at ourselves for being so gullible, and
anger at the person who made us throw caution to the wind and jump right
So, how do you know if the relationship you are in
is really based on lasting love, or fleeting lust? While nothing short of
a crystal ball can tell you what feelings your partner is feeling, there
are a few easy signals that you can look at to see if she really cares about
you. But that's not quite as important as sorting out your own feelings.
Don't worry; we're going to talk about that, too. On second thought, let's
talk about that first.
When you first meet someone that you think might
be the one to steal your heart forever, you are full of conflicting emotions.
Since the emotions connected with love and lust are equally strong in the
beginning, it can be hard to sort through them and put them in their proper
place. But by concentrating on these emotions, and being honest with yourself,
you can tell if what you are feeling is love, or lust.
Let's look at just a few emotions and see how
each one is displayed in lustful and loving relationships:
· Joy - Oh, sometimes it seems like your
heart is going to burst with joy when you've found that perfect someone.
If your joy is tuned into your partner's happiness, and you exult when they
exult, and if you remain on cloud nine all through the day, you might be
dealing with love. Lust, on the other hand, is characterized by short spurts
of joy only felt when your precious someone gives you that bauble you wanted,
or gives in to your wishes.
· Fear - If you are afraid that your
significant other will think another person is more attractive than you,
or not get that big raise that she's hoping for, you're in lust. But if your
fears are focused on your partner's well-being, then it's probably love.
For example: If you're more afraid of not being able to spend your life with
your partner because of a tragic accident than you are of her leaving you,
it is love. You see, if you really love someone, you want them to be happy
and healthy - even if it's not with you.
· Romance - Lust is characterized by intense
romantic interludes of which the primary focus is your own satisfaction.
Often, after the deed is done, you can go on about your business oblivious
to what's going on in your partner's life. Love, on the other hand, is a
very giving emotion. If you would give your last breath to see that rapturous
look on your partner's face without ever getting anything in return, you
might be in love.
· Jealousy - Bottom line: There is no room
for jealousy in loving relationships. Jealousy is an attempt to own your
partner's mind, body and emotions so that you won't get hurt. Ownership and
love do not go hand in hand. When you love someone you want to share their
mind, body and emotions - not own them.
Remember, these are just a few guidelines -
and since every relationship is different, you might have to take these basic
rules and apply them to other parts of your relationship to tell for sure.
Now is the tricky part. How can you tell if
your partner really loves you? Here are a few signs:
· She can anticipate how you would react
to certain news, or events, and offers just the right support when it is
· She always waits for you to finish speaking
before butting in, and you can tell that she is really listening.
· She is just as happy cuddled in your
arms as she is romping in the sack.
· You can see empathy in her face and actions
when you are not feeling well, or have had a horrible day.
· She works with you to create a future
that is beneficial to you both.
· No matter what you want, she wants it
for you, too.
· She does things she doesn't even like
to do because she knows that you enjoy it so.
Red Flags! These signs point to lust:
· She whines when she doesn't get her way.
· Every time you go out, it is to somewhere
that she has wanted to go.
· She makes coffee/smokes instead of cuddling
· She doesn't remember that important thing
you just told her three minutes ago.
· The TV is more important than you.
· You reaching orgasm is not required and
· That little black book keeps getting
In addition to these signs for both you and
your partner, there are some things that you can watch as time passes to
see if your relationship is going in the right direction. While all relationships
will mellow out physically over time, loving relationships will see a replacement
of the physical activities with connected activities like watching movies,
taking a walk or playing cards. Lustful relationships will simply fall apart
when the physical part slows down. Yes, you may stay together, but you will
be home alone while she will be out playing pool.
So, hopefully I have better equipped you for
sorting through those feelings in the tumultuous time of new love. I know
how infuriating it can be to spend a great deal of time on a relationship
that's going nowhere. I also know how fun it can be to be in a dead-end
relationship with your eyes wide open just enjoying the ride.