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Lesbians: How to Deal When Your Partner Admits She's (He's) Transgendered

This is one of these topics I understand first hand. When I started dating my boyfriend, who was then known as my girlfriend, I noticed something different about him. I could never put my finger on what exactly it was until I recalled a documentary I'd watched called, Southern Comfort. (I highly recommend the documentary if you are going through this kind of thing!) As I watched this documentary topic something clicked inside my head - it was like an epiphany! He might be transgendered!

He eluded the fact, though, and at the time he was going by a masculine name, not his female name. It wasn't really anything specific, but it was more the fact that he wasn't comfortable as a lesbian, though it was very clear he wanted to be with women. When put in a more masculine situation, or deemed as more masculine in nature than I was, he seemed to be much more comfortable and happy.

It took some courage on my part, but I approached him on the subject and asked him outright if he was transgendered. At the time he had no clue about what 'transgendered' was. He'd studied a lot about gays, and lesbians, from their history down to being trained on how to explain the terms to a college auditorium from the panels his group gave at his University.

Together, we researched transgendered issues, technical aspects, and it was amazing the transformation I saw when he finally realized who he was. He had always known he was not a lesbian - though that was the only word he had for it at the time. He never felt comfortable as a lesbian, and - although I assured him that either way I'd support him - he made it clear it would be his decision as to whether he would transition, or even whether being a FTM (female to male) transgendered individual personified a part of who he was.

In the end he decided it was who he was, and he has since taken the steps toward changing his name and transitioning fully to a male. I must admit he is like an entirely different person. He is incredibly happy, cheerful, and very confident. Before this, he was a bit unsure of himself. He was often gloomy and depressed. It is amazing how the admission of one thing can change a person so completely, but it did.

I am a rarity. Most discover what being transgendered is on their own. However, usually it is later in life. Often these men go through their lives not understanding who they are, or what they are about. My boyfriend was lucky because he was in his early 20's when he started transitioning. There are fewer struggles in his life because of this.

We got lucky. I have been with men and women, and I enjoy both sexes. However, many lesbians go into relationships thinking they are with a woman when deep down their partner is a male inside. When he is finally ready to come out he may (or may not) consider the fact that his partner may be shocked, or, in the least, not prepared for this. Then, when the relationship breaks up, he is left confused and alone unable to realize he is partly at fault for this - merely because he was inconsiderate in not discussing his need to be transgendered before going ahead and transitioning, or changing his name.

Some men will discuss it with their partners beforehand, and still their relationship may  or amy not last, but I do know that many women simply were not properly prepared for the transition. They don't want to lose him because they love him, yet they feel betrayed by his lack of remorse for becoming a man without discussing it first. This is a very difficult subject because it's a double-edged sword. We should be proud of him, and happy for him, for finding his true self - yet still harbor resentment, anger, or bitterness on how he handled it if he did so by making you miserable in the process.

If you think your girlfriend may be transgendered then you need to have a discussion! They may not even realize what 'transgendered' is. However, armed with this new information they may just find exactly what they needed to change their life from that of 'acceptable' to that of 'YES! I'M ALIVE AND IT IS GLORIOUS!'. Whatever their decision, as a 'couple' it is best to discover this together, and to discuss all of its ramifications. If he has decided he is, indeed, transgendered (he will know because it will be the first thing that has actually felt right in his life) then you are faced with a tough decision. If he decides to transition completely can you handle being with a male?

I know that you cannot help who you fall in love with. Technically, he will be the same person you fell in love with - only much more confident, happy, and content. However, some lesbians cannot handle the thought of being with any man. If that is how you are it is best you let him know this now rather then prolong the inevitable. If he thinks you're in it with him for the long haul - and you aren't - then its going to be devastating when he finds out the truth.

Signs your girlfriend might actually be transgendered:

· He feels more comfortable using a more masculine name
· He's never felt comfortable as a lesbian, even the aspect of being a butch lesbian.
· He may have dreamed, wished, or hoped he'd been born a boy for an extended period of time in his life
· Uncomfortable with his body - especially his female genitals
· He's more comfortable if other's believe he's taken on a more 'masculine' role even if it may be considered stereotypical

The following list may - or may not - be a sign: she may just be butch though she fully accepts and believes she is a lesbian:

· Dresses in guy clothing
· Plays sports, or does stereotypical "male" things
· Enjoys taking on the "Daddy" role in your sexual relationship
· Takes on the role of the person supporting you because she believes in chivalry
· May want to have children but wants you to be the one to physically have the child


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